I’m going to be really transparent in this post because it took me too long in my life to understand and stop doing this. I did this mostly with friends and in intimate relationships, all for the sake of being accepted and not making others uncomfortable. In the process, I dishonored my feelings, was at times a doormat, and lost a lot of time and money. I am talking about making myself small and “dimming my shine.”
People tend to play down their skills, achievements, or unique traits so as not to make other people feel uncomfortable or threatened. This is what it means to dim one’s shine, and one engages in this behavior because of a perception they have of another or because of something the person has shown them. When people do this, they often hide who they are because they want to fit in, avoid disagreement, and not be rejected. Hiding behind a mask prevents your true personality from shining through. Been there, done that.
Sometimes dimming one’s shine has nothing to do with the other person. Sometimes a person just may not want to be seen out of fear of being harmed, dismissed, or judged, which has been my issue as well as an unhealthy coping trait developed since my youth. This behavior can have very harmful effects on both the person and their environment, as I will explore in detail later. Nobody wins when we choose to play small, so stop it!
Living authentically and unapologetically is essential for personal growth, fulfillment, and takes real bravery, especially when going against family and cultural dynamics. It takes a lot of unlearning old behaviors and ways of coping within social circles to do so. The social conditioning we all have been subject to is real from the moment we’re born.
Unapologetic, honest living isn’t just a matter of happiness for yourself; it’s also important for mental health and growth for those around you. When we accept who we really are, we make real connections, become more creative, and feel like our lives have a greater purpose. Furthermore, when we live authentically, we encourage others to do the same, which leads to meaningful change in our families and beyond.
Stop dimming your light to make other people feel better about themselves and live your life out loud. I’ve learned that it is not my responsibility to regulate other people’s emotions or pacify their insecurities or traumas. Be empathetic to them, but do not enable their stuckness. I finally learned that lesson at my big age!
Dimming myself stopped me from being creative and growing, and I wasn’t doing what makes me happy or allowing people to get to know the real me. When I began to open up to people about my interests, I uncovered new ways of connecting with them. Specifically, the connections in my familial relationships and friendships have deepened. The intimate relationship, however, is a work in progress that I’m comfortable keeping on hold for now as I continue to bloom and discover more about myself. I am excited to see where living out loud takes me. The next few sections go further into why it is important to stop dimming your shine today and begin living out loud!
The Impact of Others’ Insecurities
In today’s competitive world, even amongst friends and family, unfortunately, many people dim their shine to avoid confrontation, to conform to social norms, or to just fit in.
“She thinks she’s so much better than me.”
“You got it; you should help.”
“Everybody ain’t doing as good as you.”
These are not just statements from haters. Hearing these things when you come around friends and family can be uncomfortable and disheartening. So to be accepted, we dim ourselves based on their insecurities. Not a good idea. It’s easy for someone on the outside looking in to say, “Get away from them.” How? This is your tribe. We can’t change others, but we are in total control of changing ourselves by getting wiser in this area.
While dimming one’s shine may seem like a considerate or self-protective measure, it often has far-reaching consequences that extend beyond us. There are three critical ways in which suppressing our true potential and achievements can negatively impact us, those around us, and society at large:
- enables unhealthy relationship dynamics.
- limits others’ growth.
- perpetuates cycles of negativity.
Exploring this behavior helps us realize the significance of embracing and proudly displaying our authentic selves. This exploration challenges the notion that dimming our light benefits others and instead argues for the transformative power of allowing ourselves and encouraging others to shine brightly.
Enabling Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics
I’ve learned that lowering my own standards, saying yes when I really mean no, and being overly accommodating to make others feel better with their fears often leads to more unhealthy behavior patterns within the relationship—platonic, familial, or intimate. By changing how we act so as not to trigger other people’s insecurities and traumas, we unintentionally make them think that their fears are valid. This can lead to a codependent relationship in which both people are stuck in a loop of denying and validating their negative thoughts about themselves. No one wins in this dynamic, and it can lead to resentment and emotional disconnection by one or both parties. Honesty with yourself and others, along with loving communication, are foundational for building a healthy relationship.
Limiting Others’ Growth
In a strange way, dimming our shine can actually stop the people around us from growing and reaching their full potential. When we minimize our abilities or accomplishments, we prevent other people from being motivated, challenged, or inspired by our example. In a sense, we take away from them possible role models and growth goals. There have been many times when people did great things because they were around others who were living out their potential without any limits or shame. When I’m around people doing great things, I see what is possible for me and feel encouraged to strive for more. I can be this for others, but by limiting myself, I inadvertently limit those around me as well. When we shine brightly, we give permission for others to do the same, creating a ripple effect of growth and positivity in our relationships and communities.
Example:
Sarah was a great graphic artist, but she always played down her skills so her coworkers wouldn’t feel bad about themselves. She didn’t like showing off her best work and often let other people take credit for her ideas. A mentor encouraged Sarah to take the initiative and present her fresh designs at a company meeting.
To her surprise, not only did people like her talk, but it also gave her team ideas. Tom, her coworker, who had been having trouble coming up with new ideas, came up to her afterward. “Seeing your work made me realize what’s possible,” said he. “It’s pushed me to up my game.”
Sarah saw a change in her team’s relationships over the next few months. As she kept being honest about her thoughts, other people started to do the same. Everyone in the department became more creative, which led to more new tasks and a better working environment.
Sarah not only helped her own job by letting her shine, but she also helped the whole team. Being honest with others made them more likely to accept and show off their own unique skills, which was good for the company as a whole.
Perpetuating Cycles of Negativity
By dimming our shine, we unintentionally add to a larger loop of negativity and self-doubt in society. People around us who see us hiding who we really are support the idea that being real is something to be afraid of or avoid. Because of this, mediocrity may become praised in a group or society, while excellence may be looked down upon. Specifically in Black American communities, there is a historical aspect to dimming our shine. Quite frankly, the more mediocre the slave, the less attention they received from the master. Ever hear of the “crabs in a barrel” mentality? These behaviors have persisted well past slavery, Jim Crow, and the Civil Rights Movement. Knowing this historical perspective of accepting mediocrity and dimming our shine helps us to break this cycle, and each person must be brave enough to accept their unique traits and successes. It’s okay to shine and celebrate that in others.
The Consequences of Dimming One’s Shine
I have examined what happens when we dim our shine in reference to those around us; now I’ll examine what happens to us individually. On the surface, this behavior may seem harmless or even kind, but it can have very bad effects on one’s personal and work lives. If you consistently hide your real potential and authentic self, three big effects include:
- a loss of self-confidence and self-esteem.
- missed chances for growth and success.
- a general feeling of not being fulfilled and happy.
I have experienced all three of these throughout my lifetime, and I am healed enough to discuss them in depth. We can better understand how important it is to accept our unique skills and let our light shine by looking at these consequences.
Loss of Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem
From my own experience, study, and observations, I’ve learned that consistently dimming one’s shine compromises self-confidence and self-esteem. When we hide who we really are over and over again, we start to believe that who we really are is wrong or less important. This can change how we see ourselves and make us feel less valuable, which makes it harder to stand up for ourselves or go after our goals with confidence. I have struggled with this personally and professionally. We have to learn to value the skills and abilities that are unique to us and not be afraid of being judged or rejected when we show them off. We can boost our self-esteem and confidence by accepting who we really are and letting our light shine. This will eventually lead to more success in every part of our lives.
Missed Opportunities for Personal Growth and Success
By dimming our shine, we unknowingly close ourselves off to opportunities for personal and professional growth. I’ve witnessed countless instances where people have passed up chances to showcase their skills, share their unique perspectives, or take on challenging projects due to fear of outshining others, particularly someone higher ranking referencing my military days. This self-imposed limitation not only stunts personal development but can also have lasting consequences on career advancement and life experiences.
Feeling Unfulfilled and Unhappy in Life
Dimming your shine for a prolonged period of time will more than likely have you feeling unfulfilled and unhappy all the time. I said I was going to be very transparent, right? I know this all too well! This is one of the sneakiest effects. I have years of life that are a blur because I dimmed my shine for so long. We produce a gap between our inner world and outer reality when we consistently refuse to be our true selves. This mismatch can make us angry, antsy, and give us the constant feeling that we’re not living up to our full potential. This can lead to long-term unhappiness, depression, or even chronic illness over time. It is important to be aware of how hiding who we really are can affect our mental health and the health of our whole bodies. In the long run, we can live a more fulfilling and satisfying life if we are honest with ourselves and follow our ideals.
Strategies for Living Out Loud
Now that we got the ugly stuff out of the way, let’s talk about how we begin to shine brightly and live out loud! Developing effective strategies for personal growth is crucial in accepting and showcasing our true selves. This part will talk about three important ways to live your life without holding back:
- embracing self-love and self-acceptance.
- setting boundaries with others.
- surrounding yourself with supportive and encouraging people.
Being true to yourself and living a purposeful life are based on these basic habits. They let you show off your unique skills and qualities without dimming your light for others. We’re going to look into these techniques and see how they can help you live your best life.
Embracing Self-Love and Self-Acceptance
I’ve learned that really loving and accepting myself is the key to living out loud. It’s more than spa days and a new hairstyle. It’s fully understanding and valuing what makes me special, even my flaws and mistakes. Self-love is also remembering not to internalize everything that people say or do because most times their actions are rooted in their own unhealed stuff. Everything I’ve experienced in my lifetime has been a lesson, and I no longer beat myself up for past mistakes. I don’t even call them mistakes; I call them lessons. Focusing on the present moment through mindfulness practices, saying positive affirmations, and self-reflection can all be very helpful in this process. It’s a good way to see your own worth and potential. Always keep in mind that loving yourself is not the same as being narcissistic. Self-love is not selfish and, when engaged properly, will have a positive impact on those around you. When your cup overflows, everyone around you wins.
Setting Boundaries With Others
Learning to set and stick to healthy boundaries is an important part of staying true to ourselves. Women especially have a difficult time with this because of our nurturing nature. We want to take care of everybody, and we risk neglecting ourselves and our needs in the process. We have to learn to be honest with others about our needs, limits, and standards, and to be ready to stand on our square even when we feel pressured or guilty. In my experience, setting boundaries can be uncomfortable at first, but it’s an important skill for keeping our identity and to stop dimming our light. When you don’t set boundaries, you invite people into your life that will not honor your uniqueness and go against you every time you try to shine. Get those boundaries in check!
Surrounding Yourself With Supportive and Encouraging People
Our social circle significantly influences the extent to which we live authentically. I’ve seen that people who are able to live out loud often build a network of relationships that support and strengthen them. That doesn’t mean surround yourself with “yes men” or people that will not challenge you when you misstep. I need people in my circle that are loving and honest with me as well as with themselves. These connections give you support, constructive feedback, and a safe place to grow as a person. We can greatly improve our ability to shine by actively seeking out these kinds of relationships and staying away from people who are harmful or unsupportive. In those situations, particularly family and friends, I love them from a distance.
Conclusion
In this post, I’ve stressed the bad effects of “dimming one’s shine” and how important it is to live honestly. Hiding one’s real potential can foster bad relationships, limited personal growth, and never ending cycles of negativity individually, in our families, and in our communities. To live an authentic life and shine bright, you need to love yourself, set boundaries, and surround yourself with people who will support you. With this foundation, you can live a rich and full purposeful life.
Dimming your shine not only affects your emotional health and personal growth but also hinders societal progress. We’ve seen that hiding your true self hurts not only your own confidence and opportunities but also encourages bad relationship dynamics and stops the personal growth of those around you. Accepting and loving your true self breaks negative cycles and spreads good vibes throughout your life and community.
I encourage you to be proud of the special things about you, the skills you have, and the things you have accomplished. Remember that being yourself should not be a threat to other people, and if it is, then those are not your people. Those who love, respect, and admire you will not only allow you to be who you are; they will be inspired to be great and shine as well. When you accept your real self, you not only honor your own potential, you also allow others to do the same. Your special light can help others find their way and make connections that matter.
Take one small step toward living out loud today. Find a place where you’ve been hiding your true self and push yourself to be that person again. I do this with my blogging and book publishing. Set a healthy boundary, follow an interest you’ve been avoiding, or tell someone what you really think in a relationship. Start that YouTube channel, blog, or podcast! Remember that it’s an important part of growing as a person, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Surround yourself with people who will back you and encourage you to be yourself. You’re not only changing your own life when you live without apologies; you’re also making the world a better place where everyone feels free to shine.
Sources I Tapped Into:
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“The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz offers a code of conduct based on ancient Toltec wisdom for personal freedom and authenticity.
“The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho is a novel that explores themes of personal legend and following one’s true path.
“The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron is a course in discovering and recovering your creative self, which can be applied to living authentically.
“Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain celebrates introversion and encourages introverts to embrace their nature.