There’s a train of thought among most women that is killing us slow and must end, and that is putting everyone else’s needs before our own. And in most of these cases, we don’t take care of our needs at all! The number of women I have witnessed over my lifetime engage in extreme self-sacrifice for those around them, only to be mistreated, abandoned, and neglected hurts my heart. In society, we tend to praise the self-sacrificing woman while simultaneously ignoring her mental and physical health. Where is the love and care in that? Enough is enough, and it is time for women to prioritize self-preservation over self-sacrifice, prioritizing their own well-being and happiness. “Happy wife, happy life” and “No one’s happy if momma ain’t happy” are not simply endearing expressions intended to appease the women in our lives. They reflect a deep truth about the importance of women’s emotional and mental health. When women are happy and their cup overflows, the people around them benefit greatly. But a woman who is drained and stressed isn’t good for herself, her family, or her community. It’s time to prioritize women’s emotional and mental health. Through self-preservation, we can regain control of ourselves, take full accountability for our lives, and shape the reality that benefits us and our interests, all while nurturing those we love and our relationships.
What is Self-Sacrifice and Self-Preservation?
There are two basic instincts that shape how we interact with each other, make choices, and engage in society: self-sacrifice and self-preservation. Both ideas, which come from basic human instincts and are shaped by cultural, moral, and psychological factors, are very important in shaping behavior, social rules, and the moral fabric of humanity. I’m particularly interested in how these instincts play out in women, especially in intimate and familial relationships and friendships. Human behavior is complicated, which is why I decided to study it via psychology—the science—and astrology—the philosophy. Since I was a baby, I have had this habit of sitting quietly and observing people. So it’s quite natural that I have moved into formally studying human behavior. Self-sacrifice and self-preservation seem to be at odds with each other but are actually very linked, showing how complicated people are and how our relationships with others and ourselves change over time. Nothing perplexes me more than witnessing a woman slowly deteriorate by sacrificing herself for the sole benefit of others.
Self-sacrifice calls for us to put the needs of others ahead of our own and make selfless sacrifices for the greater good. This sounds good morally, but self-sacrifice can have devastating effects on a person’s life. This is where I make a distinction between self-sacrifice and extreme self-sacrifice, because self-sacrifice in itself is a great virtue to have under the proper circumstances. But extreme self-sacrifice is unhealthy and dangerous. Self-preservation, conversely, urges us to prioritize our health and safety to ensure our well-being and flourishing. Again, this sounds great on an individual level, but self-preservation can also have devastating effects on the lives of those around you when it becomes too selfish. This discussion, however, will stay on the beneficial side of self-preservation and why it is important for women to prioritize it over extreme self-sacrifice.
By looking into the differences between self-sacrifice and self-preservation, we can learn a lot about what drives people, what they value, and how to balance personal needs with the needs of the group. While it is crucial to take care of ourselves in order to be there for others, we must also be mindful of not becoming too selfish in our pursuits. Ultimately, nurturing our own well-being while also considering the needs of those around us is key to maintaining healthy relationships and overall harmony in our lives.
The Impact of Extreme Self-Sacrifice
Where do we get these ideas of self-sacrifice from? Religious and spiritual lessons, philosophical ideas, social norms, and historical and cultural icons all have an effect on behaviors that encourage self-sacrifice. These rules stress the importance of helping others, being kind, and getting along with others. They do this by encouraging understanding, unity, and a sense of duty toward others. A lot of the time, they show up in religious and spiritual teachings, moral theories, and historical people. I would say that religion is where most extreme self-sacrificers get their ideas, and the problem arises because gender plays a huge role in the power dynamic. Women, especially in Abrahamic religions, are often pressured or convinced to self-sacrifice for the sake of their families, communities, and religious beliefs.
And this is where I see extreme self-sacrifice played out adversely the most—with women. When making sacrifices for the greater good, who’s good are we prioritizing? Typically, it’s our mates, our children, and anyone else we feel pressured to take care of, usually to our own detriment. The greater good rarely includes us, and as women, we tend to place ourselves in situations where we are pouring from an empty cup. Because not only are we not taking care of ourselves, but those around us may not be pouring into us either. No reciprocity equals extreme self-sacrifice. I am not suggesting neglecting the care of loved ones, especially children. But ma’am, you must take care of yourself in order to be healthy and available for those you love.
The physical and mental health consequences of extreme self-sacrifice can be life threatening! Chronic tiredness, low energy, and trouble healing from physical activity can all lead to physical exhaustion. Stress, burnout, and feeling too busy can weaken your immune system and make you more likely to get sick. Problems with sleeping, like insomnia, broken sleep patterns, and having trouble going or staying asleep, can make stress worse and hurt your health in general. Psychological distress such as anger, guilt, and feelings of not being good enough can lead to mental illnesses like anxiety disorders, depression, and compassion fatigue. Not taking care of yourself can lower your self-esteem and cause problems in your relationships over time. In the worst situations, extreme self-sacrifice can make people ignore their health, which can cause major health problems over time. It is important to set boundaries and prioritize self-care in order to prevent burnout and maintain overall well-being. Ignoring your own needs can lead to a downward spiral of physical and mental health issues.
The Benefits of Self-Preservation
It is important that we begin to put ourselves first, because caring for yourself first strengthens your mental and emotional health. Ignore the talk about it being selfish to put yourself first. A mentally and emotionally healthy woman would never neglect her responsibilities. By taking care of our own needs, dealing with stress, and practicing self-care, we build resilience, lower our risk of anxiety and depression, and make our emotions more stable overall for ourselves and those around us. These things help us deal with the problems we face in life better, make us happier and more fulfilled, and enhance our feminine magnetism and energetic vibration.
Self-preservation makes our sense of self stronger and helps us set healthy boundaries in relationships and situations. When we put our health and happiness first, we become more clear about our ideals, goals, and limits. This clarity gives us the strength to be clear about what we need, to say “no” when we need to, and to deal with others in a balanced and respectful way. Another phrase we need to adopt is “I don’t like that”. Too often, we go along with the wishes of others, even when it goes against our own feelings. Every time we do that, we dishonor and violate ourselves. Because after you say yes to something you wanted to say no to, oftentimes you whine and moan about having to do it. Why do you do that to yourself? Just say no in the first place.
Despite what some people may think, self-preservation doesn’t make empathy and compassion less strong; on the contrary, it makes them stronger. Putting our own health and happiness first makes us more mentally stable, empathetic, and caring toward others. We can offer real support and help from a place of strength and honesty, which can lead to deeper and more meaningful relationships. I’ve observed in my own life that when I have sacrificed my own wishes and even livelihood to help others only for them to be unappreciative or take advantage of my kindness, it has ultimately caused resentment and strained the relationship. Today, because I am learning to establish healthy boundaries and speak my mind, I am finding I have more compassion and empathy for others while also protecting my own well-being. I am able to create more reciprocal and fulfilling relationships.
Strategies for Shifting Toward Self-Preservation
Set Clear Boundaries
The first thing to do is learn to set clear boundaries and put your own needs first. This is easier said than done for those who have spent a lifetime people-pleasing. It’s going to feel wrong to say no and turn people away because we desperately want to be liked and accepted. Or maybe you have put yourself in a position where everyone depends on you, and there are co-dependency issues at play. It is vital, however, to establish boundaries for your own well being, because the responsibility of ensuring your well being as a mature adult only resides with you. Not your mate, not your children, not your family, not your community. When requests or demands are too much or bad for your health, practice saying “no” without feeling guilty or having to say sorry. Never apologize for putting your own needs first. It will take time to dismantle the habits of people-pleasing and learn a new thing, but with practice, you will get better at putting yourself first until it becomes second nature. Know your boundaries and respect your right to put yourself first.
Prioritize Self-Care
Contrary to popular opinion, self-care is more than getting your hair and nails done and spending time at the spa. Self-care encompasses habits that boost your energy levels and promote your holistic well-being. This includes things like exercise, mindfulness, sports, getting enough rest, and getting help from a professional when you need it. Hang out with people you can laugh with and have a good time with. I tend to isolate myself when I’m stressed, and I’m learning not to do that. Spend time and money on self-care activities that are good for your physical, mental, emotional, financial, and social health. If you don’t think you have the time, you have to set the intention to make the time. And self-care doesn’t always involve money. Establishing a morning routine that prepares you for the day is self-care. There is no money involved there. Self-care is a holistic endeavor, involving all aspects of your life. Prioritizing self-care fills your cup so that you are better capable of interacting with and helping others. It allows you to show up as your best self in all areas of your life.
Get Help
I have this learned defense mechanism of holding everything in to “keep the peace”. All that does is contribute to a breakdown of communication and deteriorated relationships. That is a behavior I am working to unlearn with the help of therapy. Therapy continues to have this negative connotation, but in reality, it can be the thing that helps you live your best life. Do not hesitate to seek help and support. It is important to talk about your problems, worries, and wants in an open way, and if you need to, ask for advice or help. Keep a circle of people around you who care about and support your health and happiness. People you can talk to openly who can provide support and advice in times of need. People who actively listen and allow you to speak your mind without taking things personal, getting defensive, or taking over the conversation and making it about them. And if you don’t have those people in your life, therapy will help you work through your challenges and provide a non-judgmental space for you to express yourself freely. It will also help you work through those relationships that are toxic and unhealthy for you. This is also a form of self-care that is essential for your mental and emotional well-being.
Conclusion
Extreme self-sacrifice can be debilitating, even dangerous. Putting everyone else’s needs before your own is not loving to yourself and will impact your mental and physical health if you don’t make a change. Switching from self-sacrifice to self-preservation has many advantages that make life better and more satisfying. Prioritizing our own health and happiness not only enhances our mental and emotional well-being but also fosters a stronger sense of self and boundaries, facilitating better understanding and care for others. Neglecting self-care can lead to fatigue, burnout, and detrimental impacts on your relationships, communities, and society at large. It is crucial for individuals, particularly women, to prioritize their own needs and well-being, cultivate self-protection strategies, and embrace a balanced approach that fosters personal growth, resilience, and meaningful relationships.
Resources Used and Further Study:
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“The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are” by Brené Brown: While not specifically focused on self-sacrifice and self-preservation, Brené Brown’s work explores themes of vulnerability, authenticity, and self-worth, which are highly relevant to understanding the balance between giving to others and taking care of oneself.
“Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend: This book is a practical guide to setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in various areas of life. It addresses the importance of self-preservation, self-care, and assertiveness in relationships and personal well-being.
“The Self-Care Solution: A Modern Mother’s Must-Have Guide to Health and Well-Being” by Julie Burton: While targeted towards mothers, this book offers valuable insights into the importance of self-care and self-preservation for overall health and happiness. It provides practical tips and strategies for balancing caregiving responsibilities with personal needs.
“The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin: While not directly about self-sacrifice and self-preservation, this book explores the pursuit of happiness and fulfillment through self-awareness, gratitude, and intentional living. It encourages readers to prioritize activities and habits that contribute to their well-being and sense of purpose.
“The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment” by Eckhart Tolle: Although more focused on spiritual awakening and mindfulness, this book discusses the importance of living in the present moment and cultivating inner peace. It indirectly addresses the balance between self-sacrifice and self-preservation by emphasizing self-awareness and inner transformation.