From the moment we’re born, the world around us begins teaching us how to love. For women, in particular, these teachings come with expectations, rules, and roles that often lead us to believe in a distorted version of love. Society, culture, family, and media shape these ideas, creating a blueprint for love that doesn’t always serve us well. As we grow, many of us come to realize that what we’ve been taught about love is more about control, approval, and meeting others’ needs than about genuine connection. This blog post will explore how women, in particular, are programmed to love, why this programming gives us a false idea of love, and how we can deprogram ourselves to rediscover authentic love.

The Early Programming: Love Starts in Childhood

Our journey with love begins as soon as we enter the world. From our mothers, we feel unconditional love—the kind that expects nothing in return. But as we grow older, the way we experience love becomes conditional. We begin to link love with actions, gifts, and behaviors. We think things like, “Mom loves me because she bought me this toy,” or, “Dad loves me because he says nice things.”

By the time we reach school age, we’ve already learned that love isn’t always unconditional. We’ve been introduced to the idea that love depends on what we do, say, or offer. This type of “transactional love” often follows us into adulthood, especially for women. From a young age, we are taught to please others, to be agreeable, to sacrifice our own needs for the happiness of those we love.

This early programming is hard to shake. Many women, as they grow older, find themselves trapped in relationships where they continue to put others first, thinking that’s what love is. But this isn’t authentic love—it’s conditional, and it keeps us from understanding our true value.

How Society Programs Women to Love

The society we live in reinforces these early lessons about love. For women, love often comes with expectations. We’re told that our worth is tied to how well we can nurture, sacrifice, and care for others. From fairy tales to romantic comedies, we’re shown a version of love where the woman’s happiness comes from being chosen by a partner, where love is something to be earned by being “good enough.”

Movies, books, and music often depict women as needing to be saved or validated by love. Think about the classic storyline of a woman finding her “happily ever after” only once she’s in a relationship. These stories teach us that love is something external—something that completes us, rather than something we already possess within ourselves.

Moreover, societal norms often push women to believe that self-sacrifice equals love. We’re taught that a “good woman” will always put her partner’s and children’s needs before her own. This message is harmful because it teaches us that loving ourselves is selfish, and that our worth comes from what we give to others.

The False Idea of Love: Struggle Love and Conditional Love

As women, we’re often taught to endure “struggle love”—the idea that love is about enduring hardship, pain, and emotional labor. Many of us have been told that if we truly love someone, we should stick it out through thick and thin, no matter how much it hurts us.

This idea is reinforced by societal expectations that women should be caregivers, always nurturing and forgiving, even when they are not receiving the same in return. We see it in the media and sometimes in the relationships of those around us. This leads many women to stay in toxic or one-sided relationships, believing that enduring pain is part of love.

Another common false idea of love is that it’s based on conditions. From a young age, we learn that love is something we earn by being “good,” obedient, or attractive. In adult relationships, this can manifest as people-pleasing, suppressing our needs, and tolerating mistreatment because we fear we won’t be loved if we don’t.

But real love—authentic love—shouldn’t hurt, and it shouldn’t come with conditions. It should uplift, support, and accept you as you are. It’s time to let go of these false notions and learn to love authentically.

Deprogramming: Breaking Free from the False Ideas of Love

The good news is that we can deprogram ourselves from these false ideas of love. The first step is awareness—recognizing that the way we’ve been taught to love might not be serving us. Once we realize this, we can begin to unlearn the harmful messages we’ve internalized and replace them with healthier, more authentic ones.

Here are some steps we can take to deprogram from false love:

1. Self-Reflection

To start the process of deprogramming, it’s important to take time to reflect on our past relationships and how we’ve been taught to love. Ask yourself:

• What messages about love did I receive growing up?
• Do I believe that love needs to be earned?
• Have I been taught to prioritize others over myself?

By reflecting on these questions, you can begin to see where your ideas about love may have come from and how they’ve affected your life.

2. Challenge Societal Expectations

Next, it’s crucial to challenge the societal expectations placed on women. Start to question the messages you’ve absorbed from the media, your family, and your culture. Do you really need a relationship to be happy? Is your worth truly tied to how well you take care of others? By challenging these ideas, you begin to break free from the programming that tells you love should be conditional or based on self-sacrifice.

3. Set Healthy Boundaries

Many women struggle with setting boundaries because they fear they’ll be seen as unloving or selfish. But boundaries are an essential part of authentic love. Boundaries help us protect our energy, our time, and our emotional well-being. They allow us to love others while also loving ourselves.

Start practicing setting boundaries by saying “no” to things that drain you and “yes” to things that nourish you. Remember that loving yourself is not selfish—it’s a vital part of being able to love others authentically.

Reprogramming: Learning to Love Authentically

Once we’ve deprogrammed ourselves from false ideas of love, the next step is to reprogram our minds and hearts to love authentically. Authentic love starts from within. It’s not something we need to earn or prove—it’s something we already have. Here are some ways to reprogram yourself to love more authentically:

1. Practice Self-Love

Self-love is the foundation of authentic love. When you love yourself, you no longer feel the need to look for validation from others. You understand that your worth is not dependent on your relationship status or how much you give to others. To practice self-love:

• Take time for yourself without feeling guilty.
• Do activities that bring you joy and peace.
• Speak kindly to yourself, and challenge negative self-talk.

As you learn to love yourself, you’ll find that your relationships with others improve as well, because you’re no longer approaching them from a place of need or insecurity.

2. Redefine Love

To love authentically, we must redefine what love means to us. Instead of seeing love as something transactional or conditional, start to view love as a mutual exchange of respect, support, and care. Authentic love is about partnership and equality, where both people uplift and encourage each other. It’s about being with someone who sees your worth without needing you to prove it.

3. Embrace Vulnerability

Authentic love requires vulnerability. This means being open about your feelings, your needs, and your fears without the fear of judgment. It means allowing yourself to be seen as you truly are. Vulnerability deepens relationships because it creates genuine connection. When you let go of the fear of rejection, you open yourself up to the possibility of being loved for who you truly are.

4. Surround Yourself with Healthy Relationships

Part of reprogramming involves surrounding yourself with people who support your journey towards authentic love. This means building relationships with those who respect your boundaries, encourage your self-love, and value you for who you are. Let go of relationships that drain you or keep you stuck in old patterns of conditional love.

Conclusion: Love Authentically, Love Fully

Deprogramming from society’s false ideas of love is not easy, but it’s necessary for anyone who wants to experience true, authentic love. By reflecting on your past, challenging societal norms, setting boundaries, and practicing self-love, you can begin to break free from the harmful messages you’ve been taught about love. Then, by embracing vulnerability and redefining love on your terms, you can create relationships that are based on mutual respect, equality, and genuine connection.

In a world that often teaches women to give more than they receive, it’s radical to choose to love yourself first. But in doing so, you open the door to authentic love—the kind that doesn’t demand sacrifice, but instead celebrates who you are. Let go of the false ideas of love that have been holding you back and reprogram yourself to love fully, freely, and authentically. After all, the greatest love story you’ll ever have is the one you write with yourself.