Black women are tired. We’re exhausted, actually. And the worst part? We pretend like we’re fine. I see it within my circle, online, and even overhear it in conversations. Wrapping up Black History Month with this last post, I figure I discuss a topic that brings my content back to personal growth. I want to get into this whole “Soft Girl Era” business—the illusions, the challenges, and how to authentically create it. We wear our capes like a badge of honor. We handle business. We keep families together. We show up for our communities. We build, nurture, and protect. And yet, if we’re being honest, most of us are exhausted.

But rest feels like a luxury, doesn’t it? We carry the world on our shoulders, often without a choice. And even when we do have the choice, we struggle to put the cape down because we’ve been conditioned to believe that we have to be strong. That we have to do it all. That we can’t afford to slow down.

The truth is, Black women are not okay, but we pretend very well.

We push through pain—physical, emotional, and mental—because we were raised to be resilient. We take care of everyone else before ourselves. We suppress emotions because the world tells us we have to be “tough.” We hesitate to seek therapy, convinced that we should be able to figure things out on our own. And when we do start talking about rest, ease, or softness, there’s always someone questioning whether we’ve “earned” it.

But we don’t have to live like this. We deserve better. We deserve softness, ease, and care, just like other women of different ethnicity.

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The Soft Girl Era: What It Is and Why We Want It

I overheard a conversation today where a Black woman said she just wants to be in her Soft Girl Era—to be a woman, to be a girl. That statement sat with me because I knew exactly what she meant.

The Soft Girl Era is about embracing ease, gentleness, and self-care. It’s about prioritizing ourselves instead of always putting others first. It’s allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, to receive help, to express our emotions freely, and to lean into joy without guilt. It’s resting when we’re tired. Saying no without explanation. Letting go of the need to always be the “strong one.”

One thing it doesn’t mean is putting the responsibility of providing for you solely on a man, while you just lounge around. Although, if you are fortunate enough to have a man who is a provider for you in all ways—physically, emotionally, financially—and allows you the safety to be soft and in your feminine energy, then I truly love that for you, I really do!

Imagine this:

You get home from work, and instead of cooking dinner for everyone, you order takeout because you don’t feel like cooking. Instead of pushing through exhaustion, you run yourself a hot bath, put on some music, and pour a glass of wine. You let someone else handle things for once. You exhale. And you don’t feel guilty about it. And the best part? The other people in the home—kids, partner, siblings, whoever—give you the space to do this!

That’s a Soft Girl moment.

It’s not about being weak. It’s not about relying on a man (though it’s okay if you want to). It’s about choosing softness instead of struggle.

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The Social Media Illusion: Softness vs. Aesthetic

If you scroll through social media, you’d think the Soft Girl Era is all silk robes, luxury vacations, and rose petal bubble baths. The message is clear: Softness = money, beauty, and leisure.

And while there’s nothing wrong with enjoying luxury, social media often turns the Soft Girl Era into an aesthetic instead of a lifestyle shift. It makes it seem like if you’re not sipping matcha in a designer loungewear set, you’re not doing it right.

But the truth? Softness isn’t about aesthetics—it’s about alignment. It’s about creating a life that feels good to you, whether that includes five-star hotels or simply having the peace of mind to rest when you need to.

Real softness is:

• Saying no to things that drain you.

• Setting boundaries without guilt.

• Allowing yourself to feel, express, and process emotions.

• Choosing peace over unnecessary struggle.

If your Soft Girl Era doesn’t look like social media’s version of it, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. True softness isn’t something you buy—it’s something you create.

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Why It’s So Hard for Us to Embrace Softness

Let’s be real—softness isn’t easy for us. We weren’t raised to be soft.

From the time we were little girls, we were told to “be strong,” to “toughen up,” to “never let them see you sweat.” Many of us watched our mothers, grandmothers, and aunties sacrifice themselves daily—working long hours, taking care of families, and enduring hardships without complaint. We witnessed and learned that Black women handle things.

So, when we try to embrace ease, that voice in the back of our heads tells us we’re being lazy, selfish, or unproductive.

And let’s not ignore the fact that society often doesn’t let us be soft. The residual damage from chattel slavery, Black Codes, and Jim Crow continue to impact us subconsciously through our behavior. It also plays out in society. When have we ever been allowed to be soft? We see how Black women in pain are ignored by doctors. How we’re expected to be the “strong friend.” How we get labeled as “angry” for simply standing up for ourselves. The world doesn’t give us space to be delicate.

But here’s the thing: Just because we were conditioned to survive doesn’t mean we have to live in survival mode forever. Many of us are waking up. We’re realizing that we don’t have to prove our worth through exhaustion and toxic self-sacrifice. And I decided to be one of them.

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I Created My Soft Girl Era—And You Can Too

For years, I did what I was supposed to do—built a career and made good money, carried my responsibilities, and lived by the “work hard, sacrifice more” mentality. And while I was proud of what I accomplished, I was tired. I was over working for companies who looked at me as expendable, over driving in traffic, and over consistently feeling the need to prove my value in a career I had no passion for.

So, I made a decision: after a layoff, I decided not to return to anybody’s employ. I walked away from a healthy 6-figure income in cybersecurity, living solely on my veteran benefits. I was going to build a life where I didn’t have to punch a clock. Where I could wake up and decide what I wanted to do with my day. Where my bills were paid without me running myself into the ground.

And I did exactly that.

Now, I live on my terms. My day-to-day life is chill. I don’t have to rush to be anywhere if I don’t want to. If I want to sleep in, I sleep in. If I want to take a walk in the middle of the day, I do it. I spend my time creating content, writing, and building a business I’m passionate about that eventually will allow me to experience travel again and my dreams of exploring the world.

Life is good—RIGHT NOW. I have all the material things I need. I eat and sleep good. My life is mine. My time is mine. My peace is mine. And I created it with intention.

This didn’t happen overnight, and it wasn’t easy. I had to unlearn the idea that my value was tied to how busy I stayed, having a career, and what I owned. I had to accept that rest wasn’t lazy. And I had to remind myself, every single day, that I deserve ease just as much as anyone else.

I created my soft life. And if I can do it, so can you.

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How to Step into Your Soft Girl Era

If you’re tired of constantly being in “survival mode,” it’s time to start making some shifts. Softness isn’t something that just magically happens—it’s something you have to choose.

Here’s how you can start:

1. Take inventory of your life. How do you feel about your job? Are your relationships reciprocal? Are you exhausted with both? Plan to take back your power so you can create a life that you can rest and be at peace in.

2. Stop feeling guilty for resting. Rest is not a reward. You don’t have to “earn” it. If you’re tired, sit down. If you’re overwhelmed, take a break. The world won’t fall apart.

3. Start putting yourself first. That means saying no to things that drain you, setting boundaries with people who take advantage of you, and making decisions based on what you want—not just what others need from you.

4. Normalize getting help. Whether it’s therapy, hiring a house cleaner, or asking a friend to pick up your kids, let people help you. You don’t have to do everything alone.

5. Give yourself permission to feel. Cry if you need to. Be vulnerable with people you trust. Express your emotions without fear of judgment. You are human—not a machine.

6. Embrace ease without guilt. Take the shortcut. Spend the money on convenience if it makes your life easier. Softness isn’t about deprivation—it’s about allowing things to be easier where they can be.

7. Indulge in joy. Dance. Laugh. Take yourself on a date. Do things just because they make you happy. Life isn’t just about responsibilities—it’s about living.

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We Are Still Strong—But We Don’t Have to Be Only Strong

None of this takes away from our strength. Black women are some of the most powerful, brilliant, and accomplished people on the planet. We build businesses. We break barriers. We create culture. We lead.

But strength doesn’t have to mean suffering.

We can be powerful and well-rested. We can be accomplished and at peace. We can handle business and allow ourselves to be soft.

I’m living proof.

And if you’re ready to step into your own Soft Girl Era, know this—you don’t need permission. You don’t have to wait until you’re burned out to choose ease. Start now, one decision at a time.

So, here’s my challenge to you:

• What’s one thing you can do today to invite more ease into your life?

• What’s one responsibility you can release, even if just for a moment?

• How can you prioritize you—not just for the sake of survival, but for joy?

I want to hear from you. Whether you’ve already embraced your Soft Girl Era or you’re just now realizing you need one, tell me—what does ease look like for you? What’s one thing you’re letting go of so you can make space for rest? Drop a comment, and let’s talk about it.

If you’re still figuring it out, that’s okay too. Just know this—you are worthy of softness, rest, and a life that feels good. So, start claiming it. One step at a time.